We all have a story to tell, some are worse than Hell in its most physical form. Others are simply heart breaking, emotionally taxing and mentally cursing us with life long emotional pain and sadness.
Some of my earliest memories are of violence and sadness. My dad hurt my mom, my mom divorced my dad and moved us 1000 miles away from everything we knew. She gave up child support just so she was able to leave and moved her boyfriend with us. She always told us about the bad things that she alleged my dad did, what mother does that? In 1986 we moved to Florida, it was all okay until we missed our family from New Jersey and had to acclimate to the southern lifestyle.
We (the three kids) never had a home, she was always moving around and we were always getting evicted :-( She says she was always working, because she was NEVER HOME to supervise her children. She taught us nothing, but how to fail.
I thought to write this blog today to maybe help someone out there who thinks that they can not overcome what has been their life. We can all over come our past, by letting go of it and not looking back. We need to look and move forward.
Let me start with a few things that are burned into my mind and soul.
In 1986: the school was called Matthew Gilbert it was a 7th grade center that I was forced to attend. For the most part is was a good year with good teachers and friends. I was on my way to class and was grouped in the stairwell by another student, I did not know who he was. I ran for my classroom and told know one. After that I went to the girls bathroom and closed fist punched the wall (messed up my knuckles), I felt so alone and helpless. At some point during the year, one of my classmates offered me a joint and I took it home and smoked it by the pond. My mother never noticed anything, she was always into her own life doing her own things. I guess she thought it was my grandparents job to watch us? No one watched us.
I began smoking cigarettes and wearing a lot of makeup and listing to death metal. That year I was only 13 and was so depressed that I went to that pond, the place I felt safe and cried and begged God to let me die. What does a 13 year old know? I knew nothing. I was a depressed sad child with no dad to run to (he was in NJ) and a mom was never around.
I was caught with cigarettes and she lost her mind when she found out, why? Because I made her look like a bad mom. I laugh at this thought today. I hated school, I hatted Florida because I have no one here to run to, so alone. I began cutting myself, then I tried to cut my wrist at a house that was forsale by my favorite pond. What I did not know then, was that he knew we had no one to run to, he knew we were alone.
She moved us to Middleburg, back then is was country and dirt roads as far as the eye could see. The school had one black student and one Spanish student (me). Something else I was force to acclimate to "an all white school" that did not understand me. I learned about racial words that year, words I never heard in NJ or at the 7th grade center.
Still always alone, my mothers boyfriend that she brought from NJ to Fl when we moved started looking at me in a way that I felt uncomfortable. I was 13 or 14 (I think), I told her that I did not like the way that he looked at me. She told me that meant nothing, she old me her child "THAT I MUST WANT HIM TO LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT!" Why would she say that to me? Why?
I began drinking anything alcohol or beer that I found in the house. I drank before school and anytime I could. He let me drink, but why? I now think it was to let me get drunk so he could do more.
One day we were at grandpa's house, I don't remember if we were living there or not at this point in time, because we were evicted from the country house. My sister, brother and I were in grandpa's pool and my mothers boyfriend was pulling me around in the pool, me a not know any better let him. He pulled me from behind and then he pulled me in close. My mother was not out there as usual. He began rubbing me from waist to breast, I don't remember how long it took or how many times he stroked my breast before I bolted and ran inside the house. I dared not tell HER, she would call me a LIAR!
I wrote a letter to my cousin. She was living in Puerto Rico at the time (I think), I cried and cried and I knew I had to tell someone. She did the right thing and told my dad. He called my mom. As I expected, she told him I was having issues and was a liar. Never once did I hear her confront that man she brought into our lives.
My mothers boyfriend let me and gave me beer, he'd drive us around and once I was passed out drunk in the back seat of the car and we went to go pick up mommy dearest from work.
Now living in another country town and barley 15 years old, I met my first husband, he was 11 years older than me (little did I know he was another predator after young girls).
He gave me things that my mother did not; a box fan, food and attention. I was his because he filled the hole that my mother left for us. He fed my sister and brother. To me he did more for us 3 kids and than (at the time) meant that he love me and my siblings. At 15, I got pregnant and married him. I needed to leave her and once I did she was worried. My dad was mad, blamed here and she was mortified by that thought. To this day she still refuses to believe that she cause this pain that her 3 children suffered.
At 16 I gave birth to a baby boy, I did not know how to be a wife or a mom. I knew all I need to succeed was to do the OPPOSITE of what she did. I was a battered wife from the point that we moved in together. He hit me where no one would ever see. My mother was told and nothing ever happened, because I refused to live with her ever again. Her boyfriend was still there, my sister had her own troubles with him and ran away. Mother called her a liar too. When I turned 18 and graduated high school, I divorced him.
I never smoked or drank in front of my son.
My mom babysat my son from time to time and at some point let this man that I divorced and stalked me, move in with her. What mother does that! I could not even go there anymore. My drinking got worse, I moved in with the man that would become my 2nd husband and the father to my daughter. Even this did not stop my X from stalking me and trying to fight my boyfriend, the restraining order was a joke.
At some point my during my second marriage my mother got a another new boyfriend.
When my daughter was created I totally quit smoking and drinking, except from time to time when all the kids were asleep and in bed. After about 8 years we divorced. His drinking was to much. I told him that I would come home when he quit drinking, but he never did and I met someone who did not drink, smoke or chew tobacco.
Never really knowing or getting to know my mothers many boyfriends between the 1st on and this last one, she told me things that she did that NO child should ever know about their mother; affairs that she had with men and married men. What mother does that?
I was 29 in 2003, when my soon to be third husband and I moved in together and my mothers then boyfriend showed up at my apartment. It was a very long drive from where they lived to where I lived, and he showed up at my apartment UNANNOUNCED & UNINVITED. At that point in time I rarely spoke to my mother because of all the issues in the past. Why he came I did not know, but it freaked me out and after 2 predators in my life I was super skeptical about any man I met. He made my radar go off. I was never alone with him, ever. I tried to like him, but I could not.
Not sure when my partner and I went to dinner with my mother and her boyfriend, my man caught him staring at my breast and told me about it. Of coarse, when I told mother about it she said I should not wear low cut tops if I did not want that to happen!
Fast forward, we had a argument and she said he was looking at the TV. Really the TV was located between my breast? She still refuses to believe me. At 45 years old why would I lie?
There was a point when my partner lost his job and we were out of time and money, everything was getting repossessed and were were evicted. The situation forced me to agree to live with my mother and her man, that was the worst and longest three months of our lives.
He did things that my mother denies he would ever do, like lie naked on the sofa at night (with my man, my child and me in a 1 bathroom house, we all stayed in 1 bedroom) and he would use the bathroom with the door cracked open (the room we were in was right beside the bathroom). But she swears he would never do anything, only because we did not give him the chance.
We moved out. We'd rather live in the ghetto that be with them two.
She wants him she can have him, but I refuse to be around him. He cause my anxiety to freak out. I had to stop going to holiday gatherings because of him, using all the excuses I could not to hurt her feelings. But then he did it, he pushed my last button and my last nerve ruptured. It was time to be real and I did not care whose feelings I hurt.
The she and he man had their lawyer send me a letter because I stated my opinion of him to her and she did not like it. My mother (now known as my cell donor) approved the letter her husband's lawyer sent me. Because they use people, I pray that she never needs me. I will hurt her feeling some more because she is dead to me.
She was our mother and she made our lives harder that they needed to be. Life is hard without allowing others to bring out the worst in you. As a child I had no recourse, as an adult I tried to be kind and do the right thing and now in 2018 I will not allow the negative that others create to come into my life. I can do God's will, be kind, wish you no harm, but never have to see you or hear you or be around you again!
Wish them well and pray to God to keep them safely away from me and you, this way all can live in happiness. Feel no guilt and be strong, stay clear of the negative evils that people want to inflict on us even if that means we stay clear of them.
From 13 years old to 45 years old, I allowed them to control my happiness, that stopped in December of 2018. This is my story, my life, and now my choice to live right and happy without them. My choice to help myself and fix myself. It is my time and I know God wants me to be happy too, so I choose my time to be now.
Through all of this I managed to graduate high school, raise 2 children (and love them), keep a fulltime job throughout all my issues (some not mentioned), get a bachelor's degree of science in Criminal Justice and an associates degree in Human Resource Administration. In 2007 I married the man that moved in with me in 2003. Even though he saw the crazy that was my life he married me.
I hope I can help someone/anyone that my need a lift up towards happiness. It can be done, you can find your happy place. I did.
I took the below pictures. I took these cloud sightings as a sign from God to PUSH FORWARD and be happy. God LOVES us and wants us to do right and fight to be happy!
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| driving past the church across from Lasoc Park |
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| clouds from my rental house over the Lasco Park |
