OVERCOMING the pain that she caused (the short version) - part 2

As the days go by we learn, we gain knowledge. This week I learned how much more there really was, so much more. Unbelievable, unimaginable things that she was part of.

When does a mother stop loving her children? When does she decide or choose to stop hugging and loving them? When does she decide it is okay to be a witness, be an accomplice or a participant?

What happened to her in the past that she became that person in the nightmarish lifetime movie?

She listened to her abuser, she listened to our abuser and she listens to the one who has pushed everyone away from her. She is a shell of a human, that listens to the predators that she attracts.
She is not human, humans protect their children. She gave her children to the predator and with each of his victims he became more and more aggressive, abusive to us all.

What happened to her in the past that she became that person in the nightmarish lifetime movie?
It does not matter, she made these choices. 

She is as sick as the men that she attracted. She is as sick as the men she allowed in our lives.

We are all damaged and it is all her fault, yet she makes us out to be the bad guys and her the victim. She is not the victim, we are. We are, we are, we are her victims.

Together we share our secrets, the secrets that she tried to keep us from sharing with each other before. Together we are strong and together our words will shake the ground under her feet. She will feel the deathening noise of the words that we speak. The windows will rattle and she will fear the truth that will rock her to her most inner core. 

Everyone, everyone will know what she allowed to happen and what she helped happen. 

She needs to be punished for the crimes that she committed against her children. But I know she will deny it, she will say that we are lying.

Riddle me this egg donor,  how do three people who do not talk to each other have stories that are remarkably similar? How is that possible? Here is how. I remembered, she remembers and now after all this time he remembers.

We will share our lifetime horror film with everyone, EVERYONE!

Everyone will know that she was partnered up with the devil that hurt us all.

Be the voice for the voiceless
No one was there to be our voice
she who should have be our voice 
she was not there for us (three)
we needed a protectors voice 
we needed someone to be strong
we three needed a mom 
what we got was nothing more than a selfish evil soul
a devil in disguise  

BE THE VOICE  
                            FOR THE VOICELESS 

See the Pain They Cause

See the Pain They Cause

If only those who fight dogs could swap places
and witness the pain they inflict.
If only they could feel the anguish
that I see in the eyes of God’s creation—
God's pets,
God’s love,
God’s gift.

Only a being as pure as God could forgive
and continue to love, protect, and obey
humans who choose to hurt, torture, and cause
endless suffering.

A dog—
given to us,
to be the friend we can trust,
to offer unconditional love.
A dog—
to help us,
knowing and feeling our pain,
reacting to save us from the hurt we carry,
inside and out.
Their mission is to love us
and save us from the darkness of the world.

If only those who fight dogs could swap places
and see the pain they cause.

OVERCOMING the pain that she caused (the short version)

We all have a story to tell, some are worse than Hell in its most physical form. Others are simply heart breaking, emotionally taxing and mentally cursing us with life long emotional pain and sadness.

Some of my earliest memories are of violence and sadness. My dad hurt my mom, my mom divorced my dad and moved us 1000 miles away from everything we knew. She gave up child support just so she was able to leave and moved her boyfriend with us.  She always told us about the bad things that she alleged my dad did, what mother does that? In 1986 we moved to Florida, it was all okay until we missed our family from New Jersey and had to acclimate to the southern lifestyle. 

We (the three kids) never had a home, she was always moving around and we were always getting evicted :-( She says she was always working, because she was NEVER HOME to supervise her children. She taught us nothing, but how to fail. 

I thought to write this blog today to maybe help someone out there who thinks that they can not overcome what has been their life. We can all over come our past, by letting go of it and not looking back. We need to look and move forward. 

Let me start with a few things that are burned into my mind and soul. 

In 1986: the school was called Matthew Gilbert it was a 7th grade center that I was forced to attend. For the most part is was a good year with good teachers and friends. I was on my way to class and was grouped in the stairwell by another student, I did not know who he was. I ran for my classroom and told know one. After that I went to the girls bathroom and closed fist punched the wall (messed up my knuckles), I felt so alone and helpless. At some point during the year, one of my classmates offered me a joint and I took it home and smoked it by the pond. My mother never noticed anything, she was always into her own life doing her own things. I guess she thought it was my grandparents job to watch us? No one watched us. 

I began smoking cigarettes and wearing a lot of makeup and listing to death metal. That year I was only 13 and was so depressed that I went to that pond, the place I felt safe and cried and begged God to let me die. What does a 13 year old know? I knew nothing. I was a depressed sad child with no dad to run to (he was in NJ) and a mom was never around. 

I was caught with cigarettes and she lost her mind when she found out, why? Because I made her look like a bad mom. I laugh at this thought today. I hated school, I hatted Florida because I have no one here to run to, so alone. I began cutting myself, then I tried to cut my wrist at a house that was forsale by my favorite pond. What I did not know then, was that he knew we had no one to run to, he knew we were alone. 

She moved us to Middleburg, back then is was country and dirt roads as far as the eye could see. The school had one black student and one Spanish student (me). Something else I was force to acclimate to "an all white school" that did not understand me. I learned about racial words that year, words I never heard in NJ or at the 7th grade center. 

Still always alone, my mothers boyfriend that she brought from NJ to Fl when we moved started looking at me in a way that I felt uncomfortable. I was 13 or 14 (I think), I told her that I did not like the way that he looked at me. She told me that meant nothing, she old me her child "THAT I MUST WANT HIM TO LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT!" Why would she say that to me? Why?

I began drinking anything alcohol or beer that I found in the house. I drank before school and anytime I could. He let me drink, but why? I now think it was to let me get drunk so he could do more.

One day we were at grandpa's house, I don't remember if we were living there or not at this point in time, because we were evicted from the country house. My sister, brother and I were in grandpa's pool and my mothers boyfriend was pulling me around in the pool, me a not know any better let him. He pulled me from behind and then he pulled me in close. My mother was not out there as usual. He began rubbing me from waist to breast, I don't remember how long it took or how many times he stroked my breast before I bolted and ran inside the house. I dared not tell HER, she would call me a LIAR! 

I wrote a letter to my cousin. She was living in Puerto Rico at the time (I think), I cried and cried and I knew I had to tell someone. She did the right thing and told my dad. He called my mom. As I expected, she told him I was having issues and was a liar. Never once did I hear her confront that man she brought into our lives. 

My mothers boyfriend let me and gave me beer, he'd drive us around and once I was passed out drunk in the back seat of the car and we went to go pick up mommy dearest from work.

Now living in another country town and barley 15 years old, I met my first husband, he was 11 years older than me (little did I know he was another predator after young girls).
He gave me things that my mother did not; a box fan, food and attention. I was his because he filled the hole that my mother left for us. He fed my sister and brother. To me he did more for us 3 kids and than (at the time) meant that he love me and my siblings. At 15, I got pregnant and married him. I needed to leave her and once I did she was worried. My dad was mad, blamed here and she was mortified by that thought. To this day she still refuses to believe that she cause this pain that her 3 children suffered. 

At 16 I gave birth to a baby boy, I did not know how to be a wife or a mom. I knew all I need to succeed was to do the OPPOSITE of what she did. I was a battered wife from the point that we moved in together. He hit me where no one would ever see. My mother was told and nothing ever happened, because I refused to live with her ever again. Her boyfriend was still there, my sister had her own troubles with him and ran away. Mother called her a liar too. When I turned 18 and graduated high school, I divorced him. 

I never smoked or drank in front of my son. 

My mom babysat my son from time to time and at some point let this man that I divorced and stalked me, move in with her. What mother does that! I could not even go there anymore. My drinking got worse, I moved in with the man that would become my 2nd husband and the father to my daughter. Even this did not stop my X from stalking me and trying to fight my boyfriend, the restraining order was a joke. 

At some point my during my second marriage my mother got a another new boyfriend. 

When my daughter was created I totally quit smoking and drinking, except from time to time when all the kids were asleep and in bed. After about 8 years we divorced. His drinking was to much. I told him that I would come home when he quit drinking, but he never did and I met someone who did not drink, smoke or chew tobacco. 

Never really knowing or getting to know my mothers many boyfriends between the 1st on and this last one, she told me things that she did that NO child should ever know about their mother; affairs that she had with men and married men. What mother does that?

I was 29 in 2003, when my soon to be third husband and I moved in together and my mothers then boyfriend showed up at my apartment. It was a very long drive from where they lived to where I lived, and he showed up at my apartment UNANNOUNCED & UNINVITED. At that point in time I rarely spoke to my mother because of all the issues in the past. Why he came I did not know, but it freaked me out and after 2 predators in my life I was super skeptical about any man I met. He made my radar go off. I was never alone with him, ever. I tried to like him, but I could not. 

Not sure when my partner and I went to dinner with my mother and her boyfriend, my man caught him staring at my breast and told me about it. Of coarse, when I told mother about it she said I should not wear low cut tops if I did not want that to happen! 

Fast forward, we had a argument and she said he was looking at the TV. Really the TV was located between my breast? She still refuses to believe me. At 45 years old why would I lie?

There was a point when my partner lost his job and we were out of time and money, everything was getting repossessed and were were evicted. The situation forced me to agree to live with my mother and her man, that was the worst and longest three months of our lives. 

He did things that my mother denies he would ever do, like lie naked on the sofa at night (with my man, my child and me in a 1 bathroom house, we all stayed in 1 bedroom) and he would use the bathroom with the door cracked open (the room we were in was right beside the bathroom). But she swears he would never do anything, only because we did not give him the chance.

We moved out. We'd rather live in the ghetto that be with them two.   

She wants him she can have him, but I refuse to be around him. He cause my anxiety to freak out. I had to stop going to holiday gatherings because of him, using all the excuses I could not to hurt her feelings. But then he did it, he pushed my last button and my last nerve ruptured. It was time to be real and I did not care whose feelings I hurt.  

The she and he man had their lawyer send me a letter because I stated my opinion of him to her and she did not like it. My mother (now known as my cell donor) approved the letter her husband's lawyer sent me. Because they use people, I pray that she never needs me. I will hurt her feeling some more because she is dead to me.

She was our mother and she made our lives harder that they needed to be. Life is hard without allowing others to bring out the worst in you. As a child I had no recourse, as an adult I tried to be kind and do the right thing and now in 2018 I will not allow the negative that others create to come into my life. I can do God's will, be kind, wish you no harm, but never have to see you or hear you or be around you again! 

Wish them well and pray to God to keep them safely away from me and you, this way all can live in happiness. Feel no guilt and be strong, stay clear of the negative evils that people want to inflict on us even if that means we stay clear of them. 

From 13 years old to 45 years old, I allowed them to control my happiness, that stopped in December of 2018. This is my story, my life, and now my choice to live right and happy without them. My choice to help myself and fix myself. It is my time and I know God wants me to be happy too, so I choose my time to be now. 

Through all of this I managed to graduate high school, raise 2 children (and love them), keep a fulltime job throughout all my issues (some not mentioned), get a bachelor's degree of science in Criminal Justice and an associates degree in Human Resource Administration. In 2007 I married the man that moved in with me in 2003. Even though he saw the crazy that was my life he married me. 

I hope I can help someone/anyone that my need a lift up towards happiness. It can be done, you can find your happy place. I did.  

I took the below pictures. I took these cloud sightings as a sign from God to PUSH FORWARD and be happy. God LOVES us and wants us to do right and fight to be happy!

driving past the church across from Lasoc Park

clouds from my rental house over the Lasco Park

The Bite

The Bite

Sitting quietly,
An ear-piercing screech rips through my head.
I jump up, attacking everything in my path,
Though I don’t know why.
The noise sparks raging red flashbacks,
Blinding me with the weight of my past.
I lash out.
Mommy’s voice echoes in the distance, "STOP, STOP, STOP,
No, no, stop!"
But I can't.
I feel lightning pierce my innermost being.
I run to my mommy's room—
My safe place.
Now, I wonder, what did I do?
What will happen?
She hasn’t spoken to me for days, her anger lingering.
My side still aches from the lightning that struck me.
I can see I hurt her.
I see the bite.
I bit her knee.

If she makes me leave,
Who will have me?
Does she still love me?
Days pass, maybe even a week,
But I will try harder to be a good boy.
Finally, she pets me,
Finally, she speaks to me.
She hasn’t sent me away.
She looks at me, and softly says,
"I love you, but you cannot hurt me or people.
You’re a good boy. Be a good boy for Mommy."
I am still here.
She loves me.
My mommy still loves me.

If you listen when HE speaks

When He speaks to us
     do we really listen
           He offers us second chances
               do we really listen
                    If you listen you will see

I can tell you many stories that could be chance
     the stories
          could be faith
               the stories could be
                    so much more

He gave me sign 
     I always saw them
          heard them
               felt that something was coming
                   felt that something was going to happen

when it happened
     My old lady baby Ritta was almost no more
          My heart was crying, screaming that i am not ready
                    My mind was breaking, don't take her away
                         My inner most mind was PRAYING           
                                       
Because I listened
     heard the whispers
          saw the signs
               felt the meaning
                    Only He can give us the site to see what it all means

I was in the right place at the right time
      God gave me and my Ritta more time
          God gave my Dog more time
                She is here today because I listen to my Father
                    Watching, waiting for the signs, not wasting any time

God knew I was not ready to see her go
     God knew that if she passed that day
          my heart would be broken, flying far away
               God gave me the chance to save her life, as long as my eyes were open
                    as I pray I thank God every day for who He allows to stay

Ritta (3/21/18 ~ the night she almost wasn't)

3/27/2018

My old girl sits beside me She nudges her head wanting me to touch her. I touch her head I rub her kiss her talk to her telling her how much I adore in love her

She gags she becomes restless she walks around so uncomfortable, she gags some more producing no spit no vomit she starts foaming at the mouth her stomach starts to swell and swell and swell. on my God I think she's gonna burst, I start to panic

The weekend before she had similar symptoms however she did vomit she did go potty and the swelling went away within minutes. I thought nothing of it, I did some research there were 6 or 8 options on Google of what she could be suffering from

As all of this flashes by my head all I can think of was one of those things said death within minutes more panic sets in I  Begin to cry

As I cry-out that I have to go to the vet right now! Her belly continues to grow I put her in the back of the truck and we drive, not sure where to go. I called my vet their closing, however they fax information to the ER vet and tell me where to go.

Driving to the vet I cry on the phone to the vet, I cry when I'm trying to talk and check her into the ER. Just as I can become a little calmed in the safety of the office,  she continues to gag her swelling continues to grow I know she might not walk out

She will be 13 next month. They take her to the back what seemed like an eternity finally the doctor comes back confirming that she has Bloat. That was one of the things listed, the 1 that can kill her. I continue to cry I just wanted her home with me

To love another so muchThat the thought of them not being there brings you in to immediate tears as pain, To sit there alone processing this brings even more pain

He says assuming everything comes back good with her blood work, they can do surgery and try to save her. Do you want an estimate he ask? My eyes got big and I said, no just save her I don't care. The estimate was $3500 at the worst case scenario and I just said I don't care I just start pulling out credit cards, save my baby. Her time is not now

After I make the payment of the best case scenario $2350 they kick me out of the ER told me to go home and wait. I sat in the parking lot for at least an hour crying

I get home and I can't stop crying I call them a couple hours later and she's just now going into surgery I wait, I wait and I cried myself to sleep

No one beside, me all alone, I cry and curled up with the other dogs.

Sometime while I was asleep there was a voicemail that came in. She survived the surgery, a gasp of relief. I dropped the phone and fall asleep in total exhaustion.

At 8:00 a.m. the phone rings and the doctor repeats the same thing that was on the voicemail, she made it through surgery and she's ready to go home. Like a lightning bolt I was gone, dressed and out of the house to go get my baby, my old lady baby

A straight line cut down her gut, every time I check her incision, I flashback to the pain of what if-not having her around. Her belly looks great, the bruising is going away she's moving around more and more as each day passes my old lady baby is healing

I sit here looking at her incision and she sleeps so peacefully, my old lady baby is beautiful all Gray with staples running down her middle belly. I love her so much, I love them all. This is the 2nd time one of our babies have touched death and my heart breaks at the thought of them not being here annoying me, happily Annoying me. 

I would never change a thing, I want them to be here for as long as possible. Annoying me, loving me, as I'm sure I annoy them and I love them. There is Nothing that I won't do for them. I wouldn't let them ever go anywhere or be taken away from me. I love my rescue dogs, so very much

Why are WE mr. black

I am a writer. Sometimes I am pure light and happiness and sometimes I am raw and hard.
Most people, writers, that I know write with their hearts on their sleeves. I am one of those writers, always writing with my heart and emotions.

I wrote a poem/very short story about a so called man called Dog-fighter Black, an imaginary man, but a real life problem in the world today. In reality there are many mr. blacks in this country, in this world.

Writing this short story brought many emotions and fears to the surface of my skin, like a blood blister that just won't break though and bleed. Just there enough to annoy you and look like a huge

Love don't fight

blemish on someone’s face. You try to look away, but your eye wanders back to the disgusting mark. This disgusting mark on society and humanity has been happening for so long that many people have become complacent to the issues and ignoring it when it is right next door.

This reminds me of back in days when wives were allowed to be raped and beat by their husbands. What happens in a man’s house was his business and no one else’s. I have been there and know the pain of a peacekeeper walking away, knowing you were just going to get it worse once he drove away.
 

Love everyone we meet

I know that these animals are feeling like I did:
They have to fight to live or they will die,
If they lose the fight and manage to survive, they will die,
If they are lucky they will die fast, but that is usually not the case,
Normally they are made to suffer for hours or days,
Sometimes hung, stomped to death or even buried alive.


All of this pain and torture is because some men (most of the time) want to be in complete control. Control of the dog, the dog

Love life, love all

fight and or control of their spouse and if these people lose that control they become very dangerous.


I once was told I would be blown up if I did not comply with my ex-husbands demands. While my son was upstairs, he wanted to make sure I knew he was serious; he cut the propane tank connection and drug it into the apartment. Then he ignited the lighter that he help tightly in his hand and told me over and over that he’d blow up the whole building, all because he lost control of me. He was so good at what he did, he covered the evidence so well that I almost got arrested for being too loud as I cried and argued in self defense. I will die before I ever let that happen again.

I would die for an innocent life to live on, human or animal. A life is a gift and all lives that God create are here for us to protect and adore.

Once I grew a spine and leaned to fight with my brain and words, I grew stronger. Society changed and grew to be more compassionate towards battered wives and animals cruelty. I feel there is much more to do to cure the cancer that society calls humanity. 

Be kind to all we meet

Last night I had a fight, a childish verbal fight about a dog. It was escalating way too quickly and I needed to end it with the speed of a humming birds wings. What to do? Protect the innocent is what I choose, even if the dog was in the wrong. The human is suppose to be smarter than the animal, the human should know that dogs that have behavioral issues and patterns are to be handled with care and purposeful actions, continuing to be cautious at all times. If you know their triggers, then you know how to avoid a potential problem.

Love brings love

I know that humans also have triggers and I fearfully controlled the situation and at that moment in time unsuccessfully explained this to that human. He had the same blind and blank look on his face that the dog did. The dog who was abused by a man and now a man was yelling at him, walking with anger toward the dog, it was no surprise to me that the dog wanted to protect himself barking snapping in fear at the man that was yelling at him.

I am a dog lover and an animal person to my core, at a completely cellular level. I am the one that will take on the special needs dogs or cats and I don’t mean the ones with physical handicaps.  I have three dogs now and two of them have those special needs, due to their mental scars from the mr. blacks of their pasts. One of my dogs took almost ten years to completely come around, now she is a

Love is great & needs to be shared

happy old pup, but from time to time we can see the issues pop out like an unwanted zit. My newest love has been with us for only a couple of years. For the most part he is an over-zealously happy dog that will KILL you with SLOPPY wet DRIPPY kisses! But that nasty zit rears its ugly white head from time to time, like it will burst out and cause its own mr. black issues.

Fun days show the love you have to offer

AS GI Joe always said, “Knowledge is power.” Learn and teach, learn and share, knowing how to react and handle the BIG UGLY ZITS that appear in our daily lives can only helps us and others in life. Knowing how to control the situation (the ZIT) can make for an easier argument for all, possibly saving the lives of both humans and animals alike.

Know that someone is there for you is true love

Rocky Viazzani vs Michael Vick

Dog-fighter Black

You know that you mr. black have black inside you, through and through. Your heart is the blackest part of you. Smiling at what you see before you, as if it were good. Grinning with a smile that goes from ear to ear, I can see it in your eyes that you are please with your evil ringed cages of death, while you wait for the fighters to arrive. Fighters, that don’t want to fight and you tip your hat at the men that walk them in. I wish that I could reverse the roles and walk you into the fighting ring, which I am sure you would not want to fight in. 

How funny would it be to see a dog sitting there taking bets on which human male would be victorious, while other dogs bark, “Kill him and rip him apart!” Once you lose that fight and you will, because only cowards fight and abuse creatures that rely on them. While you lay there, life leaving your body, your black soul falls away from your earthly body.  The dogs bark with glee, they can see your dying body, they can see you trying to beg for mercy and they look at you with their sad doggy eyes and laugh. 

The smell of death floats through the room, while the blackness vanishes into the walls and allows the light to trickle back into the room. The dogs normally saddened by death, rejoice in yours. Grins across their faces because they are freed from the small dark cages, freed from being forced to fight, freed from starvation,  freed from being your dogs of death, and freed from being your “pets.” I don’t want to imagine a dog being full of black, like you once were. If there were I‘d hope him to be yours, yours so he could make you pay, as I thought those dogs did on that imaginary day. 

I can imagine it all like a movie on my television playing in my head, making the terrorist of the dogs become the victim of those dogs that were tortured and terrorized. mr. black you deserve to be attacked, for only in bad dreams could a dog ever have a heart that was black. 

Why do so many people care about Animal Abuse?

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Dogs walk through the door

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Why can’t you appreciate the way that they operate?

With open hearts we often break

                                They give unconditional love

I often wonder how they can be so forgiving

                How can they be?

When humans break and torture them

                How can they ever love and trust again?

I thought about it

                Meditated on it

                                This is what I got…

God created the earth, God created us and God created these creatures for us

                (not to abuse or torture)

Animals of the earth

                Already know God (their creator of LOVE) inside their hearts and souls

With that being said, they really are not made to hold any kind of hatred (that is a human trait)

                No choice but to forgive and continue to love

Feeling this is what best explains how abused animals come back to the people that abuse them with open arms of love and forgiveness

These tortured souls forgive us and are able to love us; even after the HORROR’s that they suffered

With all the love that I have, I pray that we all act with love and be brave for them with love

These loving creatures were put here by our creator for us to protect from the evils of the world

These animals are here to teach us how to love unconditionally

                To teach us how to protect others that are less fortunate

                                They are here to teach us compassion and empathy

Love of Animals

                Teaches that all life deserve compassion, empathy and love

                                It is now up to us too be their voice and protect them

                                                Fight for them

                                                                For all who cannot speak for themselves

For unconditional
                                          love is a language that we all speak

                Animals and humans know what the power of love can do

                                So

                                                Act,
                              share,
                                                      speak, 
                                                                       just do something

                                     and

              Be the VOICE for the Voiceless

(turning a blind eye does not make bad things not happen, it only allows it to continue to happen)