“When I Cannot Find My Happy”(A Prayer-Poem for the Heavy Days)

“When I Cannot Find My Happy”

(A Prayer-Poem for the Heavy Days)

Heavenly Father, I come as I am—

Not strong, not cheerful, not brave today,

But weary. So weary, Lord.

I carry a sorrow I cannot name,

And though I walk through my own home,

I feel lost within it.

My child, Lord—You know him.

You made him with purpose and promise,

But right now he is a storm against me.

His anger tears the stillness I pray for,

His silence screams in my spirit.

He hugs me goodbye like it’s the end,

And I’m left wondering what broke this time.

I try to smile, I try to rise—

But the happy won’t come.

The heaviness lingers,

Like a fog over my fields,

And not even my animals' joy

Can reach me here.

So I surrender, Lord.

I give You the grief, the confusion,

The questions that loop with no answer.

I lay them all down—at Your feet,

Because they’re too heavy for mine.

Wrap me in Your peace, Father,

Like the soft blanket I used to wrap him in.

Fill this hollow in my chest

With the warmth of Your Spirit.

I trust You’ll walk with my son too.

Even as he pulls away in pain,

Even as his words push and wound—

Your mercy remains near.

And I won’t carry what is Yours to heal.

Restore my joy, Lord—not in fake smiles,

But in the quiet knowing

That even now, I am not alone.

My happy may be buried deep today,

But it is not dead.

You are the Keeper of my joy,

And You will return it in time.

Until then, I will sit with You in the silence.

And that will be enough.

Amen.

“Still Waters After the Storm”

(Inspired by Psalm 23, Isaiah 43, and Romans 8)

I walked through fire with no one beside me,
The smoke of betrayal still thick in my lungs.
I cried out from shadows too heavy for morning,
Where the voice of my past sang war songs unsung.

Chains once disguised as affection and duty
Wrapped tight ‘round a soul born to fly.
I bent under burdens I wasn’t meant carrying—
And asked God, “How long must I try?”

But the Lord, He was near in the silence,
A whisper that broke through the rage.
Not with thunder or lightning or earthquakes,
But with love that unlocked every cage.

He led me through rivers that should’ve drowned me,
And stood in the flames at my side.
He saw every scar I tried hiding—
Each tear, each truth I denied.

My past didn’t die—it was buried
In the tomb where my Savior once lay.
And I rose with Him, bruised but breathing,
With grace as my song every day.

Now peace isn’t quiet—it’s power.
It’s the strength to say “No” and to rest.
To guard what God gave me so gently,
To silence the chaos and bless.

I fight for this peace like a soldier.
My home, my mind, my soul—my land.
And the armor I wear is His promise:
That He holds my whole life in His hand.

No weapon formed has destroyed me.
No lie has erased who I am.
I am more than my battles and burdens—
I am loved, I am chosen, I stand.

So I dwell in the house of His presence,
Where fear has no voice, no control.
And I drink from the cup of His stillness,
Letting joy overflow in my soul.

He restores what the locusts have stolen.
He redeems what the devil once used.
I am whole, I am held, I am healing—
By the peace of a God who won’t lose.

Unbroken

A Psalm from the Fire

There are battles I remember,

And wounds I’ve forgotten how I bled.

Pain buried so deep in my marrow,

Even I lost the trail where it led.

Some scars were born in silence,

Where no one stood watch but God.

And some were wrapped in memory’s haze—

Still, I rose from every fraud.

I have been lied to, pushed down, forsaken.

I’ve carried burdens that weren’t mine to bear.

They told me, “Be quiet, be useful, be nothing,”

But I stood in the ashes and dared.

I forgave what tried to destroy me,

Even what I don’t fully recall.

Because peace isn’t passive or gentle—

It’s choosing to stand when you fall.

Someone I love has become a storm,

Not by choice, but by torment and flame.

And though their anger lashes like lightning,

I no longer shoulder the blame.

I see through the chaos they carry,

The pain they won’t speak but still throw.

But I will not be their battleground—

This time, my soul says, “No.”

I’m not who I was in the beginning—

The scared girl, the shattered wife.

God has rebuilt me in silence

And breathed resurrection to life.

This peace I possess is a fortress.

It’s been carved from surrender and flame.

No demon, no rage, no betrayal

Can shake the foundation I claim.

Because I walk with the Lord as my shelter.

His name is my shield and my song.

He has counted each tear that I’ve hidden,

And He’s made right what’s been wrong.

So let the winds howl if they want to.

Let the past claw for a place in my soul.

I am covered in mercy unending—

My story, redeemed and made whole.

I am unbroken. Still standing.

Even when trembling inside.

For the peace that surpasses all reason

Is the place where my spirit will hide.